This has some rather thoughtful insite to being married...often marriage is looked at as something disposable...end it when it gets rough. Many youngsters I visit with talk about a future wife as an x wife...it saddens me and cheapens marriage. At times I am shocked to the lack of commitment in this world. Marriage is not about sex, nor is it about being with the newest hottest opposite sex figure in the town...It is about sticking with each other and helping each other on our journey through life...
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You Should Be Committed
I promised a post about commitment. I’ve been sitting here trying to write a good opening sentence and the best I’ve been able to come up with is:
So, here’s the thing about commitment.
I hope you won’t hold a bad start against me.
So, here’s the thing about commitment: there are different kinds of it. By yourself, you can be committed to a cause, committed to an action, committed to a belief, or committed to an asylum. But it takes two, baby, to be committed to a relationship, whether it’s friendship, long-term dating, or marriage (or it’s equivalent).
The kind of commitment I want to talk about today is the marriage/long-term relationship kind. It’s not about being ooey, gooey, cutely, nauseatingly in loooove for eternity. There is a time for that kind of love, when love is new and usually when we are young and blissfully clueless about the realities of life. I’m going to be brutally honest here: If we knew what life had in store for us, we’d probably be too terrified to commit to another person. Life is messy. People get old, they get sick, things go wrong. And while it’s really great to have somebody committed to me when I have an infected surgical wound that needs to be cleaned and dressed twice a day, it’s not so appealing to be committed to someone who just spewed blood all over the bathroom floor and wall. Commitment is a two-way street with orange cones and flashing lights and detour signs all over it. It’s not always easy to make it through the obstacles life throws at us and come out on the other side still sitting in the same vehicle and knowing where we were headed.
So we start out making doe eyes and giggling and holding hands and we build a life together. Sometimes that life includes moving thousands of miles away from everything and everyone familiar. Sometimes it means a job that entails long separations. Sometimes it finds you on your knees cleaning up body fluids.
Some of that is pretty scary to contemplate which is why we hide our faults when love is young. We apply concealer, suck on breath mints, squeeze our butt cheeks and walk funny, all to hide our frail humanity until a commitment is made. That commitment may just be, “Yes, I want to be with you exclusively.” That’s a huge step for most people and it’s great when two people who love each other get there at the same time. Then they can start to relax and allow their human weaknesses to show. And if both are equally committed to remaining in the relationship once they know the other party poops and snores and never rinses their supper dishes, they are ready to take it to the next level.
True long-term commitment to a relationship does not mean, “I will love you with this level of ardor for all eternity.” Most people don’t have the energy to maintain that and it would probably get tiresome after a while anyway. No, true long-term commitment to a relationship goes way beyond desire.
- It means looking at the pudgy face of your middle-aged wife with her crow’s feet and neck wrinkles and renegade strands of silver among the tastefully dyed red hair and still seeing the sparkle in her eyes and the mischievous smile that you fell in love with.
- It means you have enough self-control and respect for your partner that you are unwilling to risk losing what you have for a moment’s pleasure with somebody younger and more attractive.
- It means that when you trade in the passion of your youth for familiarity and a comfortable routine, this is the person you want to do it with.
- It means knowing each other’s features so completely that you might look at your partner’s face and think, “That wrinkle is new,” but you know better than to actually say it.
- It means you are willing to wake up to smelly sheets and drooly pillows and stinky breath and still say, “I want to grow old with you.”
- It’s taking love to the next level.
Commitment is love that has been nurtured and cared for; allowed to grow old and acquire character. It’s not for the superficial or the faint of heart or for those who crave constant excitement. But it is rewarding when two people manage to stick together through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, in youth and not-so-youth, taking care of each other’s needs and marking another year, or five years, or decade together with a quiet dinner at a casual restaurant because once you’ve been together this long, you don’t need to give each other things wrapped up in shiny bows. You have learned by now that the best gifts are the way you can finish each other’s sentences, know what the other is thinking with just a look, laugh uproariously at a word or gesture that has no meaning to the rest of the world, let down your guard and be yourself, feel safe and know that wherever you are in the world, as long as you are together you are home. Try stuffing that in a Hallmark gift bag.
You may have noticed that I’m having a little trouble ending this. The problem is that I have a few things I want to say about growing old, but this post is getting too long. I guess that means I’m committed to writing another post.
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